A Mother's Resolution

"Do the basics with excellence and everything else will fall into place."

Once upon a time, about last Friday, there lived a mother who was completely overwhelmed. Her house was a mess. The dishes were stacked in the sink and counter. Her children usually dressed in their pajamas, even when going out. She was always rushing hither and yon and yet never seemed to get anywhere. She was exhausted. 

Down the road lives another mother, cheery, bright, and content. Her home is tidy, though she doesn’t spend all day cleaning. The dishes are tucked neatly into the cupboard when not in use. Her children are always dressed and ready for the day with combed hair and matching shoes. She has a full life, but she takes it in stride with a restful air. She enjoys her children, her home, and her life.

***

Do you make New Year’s resolutions every January? You know the type - be a more present wife, read X number of books, lose weight, finally get a grip on this parenting thing? Do you ever feel that, perhaps, this year isn’t really going to be any different?

I will let you in on a secret for improving yourself. They don’t talk about it, because if word got out all the homes in America would change, more women would return home, and more children would be born. Then where would we be? It really works because it won’t be as perfect as an Instagram square or Joanna Gaines. Remember, those folks either have a great eye for capturing the smallest speck of beauty in the midst of chaos or a team of people executing a lovely vision.

Here is the nugget of wisdom that will help you ten fold this year:

Do the basics with excellence and everything else will fall into place.

Perhaps if you are drowning in life, this advice sounds a bit trite. Hear me out. The importance of majoring in the basics of housekeeping came to me after I had my third child, I quickly became pregnant with our fourth. I was already a bit over my head with my little brood. I was constantly surprised by the piles of laundry that added up so quickly with each new child and then I was woefully unprepared to offer meals each day. Once the first trimester nausea wore off, I looked around and realized that I had two things to do well: 1. feed my family and 2. provide clean laundry.

These two little tasks of meals each day and making sure there are clean clothes to wear are the minimum for a viable housekeeper. 

It may be that you are not sick or pregnant and don’t have any trouble at all with getting the basics completely with regularity. You are already very good at these things and keep a marvelous Instagram account where you chronicle your insights for us. I thank you, because most of us need help, please. 

But, maybe you are more like I was, living in a sort of fog. You know you can do better, but you aren’t exactly sure how to get there. One day you perform a heroic effort of cleaning and tidying and the next you are flat on your back with pain or fatigue or hormonal depression. Nothing is perfect, but you’d like someone to expect more for you and your family.

I’ve been there and I can help you!

Let’s start with a question: when you think about the New Year and all of its many possibilities, do you include the feeding and clothing of your people? If you consider these two things, everything else will fall into place. You will find that you get so much more done in a day. You won’t even remember what it was like to be woefully unprepared for the next meal. Everyone will have clothes and will have good food to eat! Hooray! Good job, you! Here’s why this is so foundational: of all the duties you take on, food and laundry are the biggest challenges. 

You will find that if you are prepared in these two basic areas all the other projects you aspire to tackle in the New Year will fall smoothly into place. Homeschool the kids? Learn to teach them to write using a Greek method for composition? Take up botanical watercolor? Captain a LEGO robotics team. Voila! All of this will go better for you if you have these two basics on autopilot. At least we won’t be tearing down our houses with our own hands in pursuit of ours or our children’s passions if these things are in working order. 

We call them duties because it is up to us, the mothers, to take care of them. Charlotte Mason often mentions that a child needs to be taught to do what he “ought” to do. But, here’s the trouble: our modern notion of duty is completely backward. We tell mothers to “find themselves” and that we don’t want to “impose” our “standards” on them. Well, it would be nice if anyone around here expected us to act like a capable, competent, intelligent and strong woman who can manage her household with grace.  

Perhaps you’ve met those mothers who complain about all the work that they must do around the house? Laundry? They detest it! They go to great lengths to avoid it. They allow baskets full of clean laundry to sit untouched for days on end, until the basket they are being stored in is required. They exclaim, “but I truly hate doing laundry. It’s like torture for me.” And, because of our relativism and the “you do you” fallacy, everyone nods and agrees, that really it is just awful “for her” and how sorry we are. Perhaps your life WOULD have been better had you not married at all and stayed alone in that little flat in New York with your cat. Certainly not! Only, we can’t let our friends have this sort of attitude about work that is completely basic to human life. Here’s a question we can ask ourselves to help us snap out of this sort of self-deception. Am I acting like a martyr when faced with basic tasks that help my family live adequately? 

The truth of the matter is that if we want to rescue our culture from the miry mud in which we find ourselves, we must have standards, goals, and may I suggest, an IDEAL? It all starts with understanding that we have a duty toward the children God has given us and to our husbands. We don’t want to just endure motherhood. We want to walk through it with grace and peace as our strength and capacity grows with each new season that comes our way. 

Now perhaps I’ve described you just a little. The great news is that you have been given everything you need to thrive as a mother. Everything. I can help you and I know you can do it all well - not perfectly - let’s just throw THAT out the window. We won’t be making our homes look like Instagram squares over here. We start with having standards and knowing that other women also have standards and that we CAN ACTUALLY meet reasonable standards of housekeeping. Then we can agree with George MacDonald when he tells us that, “whoever is diligent will soon be cheerful.”

Competence takes work and time and intentional effort to improve. But, remember, we aren’t hitting everything at once. We are working on one thing at a time. Trust me when I tell you that if I can do it then so can you. I’m the most average mother out there. You can imagine if you are struggling with something I’ve likely walked through something similar. Motherhood is not easy but it is the best work - the most satisfying work and the ONLY work where you are completely irreplaceable.

Consider the following situation: Your favorite author, actress or some social media Influencer is coming to stay in your home for a week. You will host this person and provide meals. Won’t you take the time to not only tidy up but clean the sheets they will stay in, and prepare food so that they feel cared for, honored and comfortable? Now, how much more so ought we offer this kind of hospitality to our children and husbands?

I know you aren’t actually complaining about doing laundry - I’ve never met anyone who despises technology so much that they hand wash all of their family’s clothes. Which part do you despise most? Is it putting the clothes into the machine we or is it the sorting part? And this is where we learn to love what must be done. Who WILL fold your children’s laundry if you do not? Could we change the time needed to fold, sort and move from one machine to the next as a gracious break in our day to do embodied work that we must be present to implement. A friend of mine shared how she would pray for her children as she folded their laundry. Perhaps they were little prayers of petitions “Lord, help this child to be kind.” Or perhaps for healing, “Lord, heal my little one from this illness or struggle.” Who will pray for our children if not their mothers?

That’s how you know it’s sanctifying work - when you get to really get your character spurred to do the real work of caring for people. Anyone can go off somewhere and do good to complete strangers, but it’s the work of the mother who is in the trenches day in and day out correcting with love, showing up with a cheerful attitude about the work that must be done. We must get our own hearts ordered to love what must be done and teach our children through our imperfect example to do the same. 

It was Erasmus (one of the ancients) who said, “A self-controlled man is a free man.” And I want you to be free to care for your family and do your duty to them with diligence and joy. You will begin to find that your capacity grows. You will be able to set about your work vigorously. Your arms will grow strong for your tasks. Maybe you will consider a field and buy it. Perhaps you will make linen dresses and sell them on etsy… Pick any one of the tasks from the Proverbs 31 woman and know that as you and your family grow, more will be asked of you. But, when your children arise they will call you blessed and your husband also will praise you. 

This year, as you set out to write your resolutions. Let your aim be the peaceful mother in the opening story who can care for her family well because she’s taken the time to get the basics in order: laundry and meals come fast and furious, but you can tame them. I know you can do it!

I’ll leave you with an old poem found by Elisabeth Elliot in a book of her mother’s. It inspires us to do the next thing that is before us:

Do The Next Thing

"At an old English parsonage down by the sea,
there came in the twilight a message to me.
Its quaint Saxon legend deeply engraven
that, as it seems to me, teaching from heaven.
And all through the hours the quiet words ring,
like a low inspiration, 'Do the next thing.'

Many a questioning, many a fear,
many a doubt hath its quieting here.
Moment by moment, let down from heaven,
time, opportunity, guidance are given.
Fear not tomorrow, child of the King,
trust that with Jesus, do the next thing.

Do it immediately, do it with prayer,
do it reliantly, casting all care.
Do it with reverence, tracing His hand,
who placed it before thee with earnest command.
Stayed on omnipotence, safe 'neath His wing,
leave all resultings, do the next thing.

Looking to Jesus, ever serener,
working or suffering be thy demeanor,
in His dear presence, the rest of His calm,
the light of His countenance, be thy psalm.
Do the next thing."

Listen here: A Mother's Resolution