“There are two guides to moral and intellectual self-management to offer to children, [the first] we may call 'the way of the will'...
The way of the will: Children should be taught,
(a) to distinguish between 'I want' and 'I will.'
(b) That the way to will effectively is to turn our thoughts from that which we desire but do not will.
(c) That the best way to turn our thoughts is to think of or do some quite different thing, entertaining or interesting.
(d) That after a little rest in this way, the will returns to its work with new vigour. ” (Vol 6, p. 128)
Bedtime is a familiar battleground for parents as children test our will for them to go to bed against theirs to stay up. ‘But I don’t want to…’ protests my three-year-old at bedtime. His desire to stay up clashes with his duty to rest, just as my duty to ensure his health demands I guide his will to align with mine. The question is: will he fight me, or choose obedience? This small struggle reveals a larger truth: a child who learns to act rightly, even against his wants, shows a strengthening will—mastery over himself. By contrast, the child who tantrums and resists prove his desires still reign, his will too weak to govern himself. The will of a child, we must know, cannot be controlled by anyone but the child alone. It is, however, the role of education to teach him how to wield it, choosing right over want. Training a child’s will is the key to fostering self-mastery and moral freedom, a principle echoed across classical tradition.
The child who is able to make himself do what is right even when he doesn’t want to demonstrate that he has a strong will. On the other hand, the child who throws himself on the ground and digs in his heels to get what he wants shows us that he does not have command of himself. His will is weak because his desires rule him. He does not rule himself.
Remember, when we are looking at Mason’s 20 Principles, we are looking at natural laws and applying them to the education of children. We see in Plato’s Republic this same principle being applied when Socrates asserts that the soul of man is either a slave to his desires or free to pursue virtue. Socrates calls the person who cannot choose to do what is right the “tyrannically governed soul” because it is “being continually impelled by the gadfly of desire, it will be full of confusion and regret.” Socrates goes on to conclude that a person who allows his desires to rule him will go about “wailing, groaning, lamenting, and suffering.” (Plato’s Republic, Book 9, 577E) Isn’t that what we see with our very small children when they don’t get their way? They are simply miserable.
We contrast Plato’s tyrannical soul with a picture painted by Dante in Purgatorio. Dante has come to the top of the mountain with his guide, Virgil, who sees that Dante has finally been able to master his will and can now be trusted to rule his body and soul without the need of Virgil’s guidance. Virgil says, “I place on you the crown and the miter, and I proclaim you lord of yourself.” (Purgatorio, Canto 27) Dante has succeeded. The “crown and the miter” represent the status of a king and a bishop - earthly ruler and spiritual ruler. Dante is now able to rule himself both morally and spiritually, with the help of God’s grace, of course. And this is what we hope for our children. That they learn to rule themselves both body and soul. That they will take their will and submit it to the Lordship of Christ. This picture of self-mastery, rooted in classical ideals, directly informs our educational aims: to guide children toward aligning their wills with virtue which helps them choose to do what is right even when they don’t want to.
What is our aim for Educating our Children?
Two truths guide us, we can’t control the child’s will; but can teach him to control his will. We are not free to mold our children whatever we want - to indoctrinate them into our pet projects so that they will be evangelists for our Great Cause. Rather, our aim in educating children is to show them how to bend their will toward God’s will and service to neighbor. If this is our goal, does it ever serve a child to choose whatever he wants? To allow our children to focus on themselves and their desires is to allow them to remain slaves to themselves. In contrast, teaching our children to distinguish between “I will” and “I want,” helps them learn to do their duty, to love with charity, and to work responsibly. The ultimate aim in education is that our children will be ready to serve God and fellow man by aligning their wills with God’s good and perfect will, a mastery of self that fulfills the classical vision of true freedom.”
How do we train a child’s will?
We do not have a one-and-done quick fix for training the will. That would be so lovely. But our children are not machines. As living organisms made in the image of God, our children will grow and bend depending on the circumstances, calling, family, and abilities that God gives them. We are in a relationship with them and we are helping them grow. As they grow, so do we. Yet we’re not without help: tools like modeling for them by controlling our own will, allowing the freedom of choice, reading and telling stories that inspire the will, training habits, praying together, offering grace when they stumble. Let’s take a look at these more closely.
Model for them by controlling our own will
Children are imitators. I see myself reflected back in my children. They do what I do. If we want them to learn to choose “I will” over “I want,” then they need to see us do it. We can help them by narrating our decisions aloud. For example, “I want to skip my workout today, but I will do it because it helps me take care of my body.” This helps our children see how to make a choice that is right, instead of allowing our momentary preferences to rule over us. We want to be honest with our children. They need to see that we aren’t perfect and that training the will takes time.
Thought Turning
When a child begins to walk towards disobedience and away from doing what is right, a proactive mother can help. We see the child’s wheels turning to do some naughty deed. The toddler casts a greedy eye on the toys his sibling is enjoying, the child is curious, the teen is all too quiet. We can help our children by calling them away, interrupting them or bringing them close to help us. This is called thought-turning by Mason. We can offer help to the child in this way so they aren’t left to walk the wrong way on the wrong path.
Allow the Freedom of Choice
Building the will is like exercising a muscle--it grows stronger with practice. We need to give our children opportunities to practice making decisions on a daily basis. This is woven into the daily work of a Charlotte Mason education. Children are given freedom within boundaries.
For example, a child may not “want” to practice piano, but if he is given the opportunity to choose a piece of music to learn, this activates his will towards learning to play the piano because we align something he must do with something he can choose within those boundaries.
Celebrate their effort to choose to do what is right, even when things don’t turn out perfectly. “I saw you did your work even though you didn’t want to-- you wanted to give up! I’m so proud of you!”Read and Tell Stories that Inspire the Will
Fairy tales, biographies, hero stories, and the bible give us pictures of courage in action, kindness to others, and selfless sacrifice so children can see these qualities in action. Vices such as selfishness, pride, greed, and envy can also be demonstrated in stories. The best stories show how willful vices lead to ruin and the pursuit of virtue, though difficult, always helps the hero move in the right direction along the path of life. If we see ourselves as wayfarers or pilgrims passing through this life, then hearing inspiring stories of others will strengthen and encourage us when it becomes difficult to choose to do what is right.
Brain science confirms the use of stories and storytelling as a means to inspire the will and help the child do what is right. In the book, Whole-Brain Child, the authors explain how storytelling works to help kids “especially when they experience strong emotions is to have someone help them use their left brain to make sense of what’s going on—to put things in order and name these big and scary right-brain feelings so they can deal with them effectively. This is what storytelling does: it allows us to understand ourselves and our world by using both our left and our right hemispheres together. To tell a story that makes sense, the left brain must put things in order, using words and logic. The right brain contributes to bodily sensations, raw emotions, and personal memories, so we can see the whole picture and communicate our experience.” (Whole-Brain Child, p 28-29)Habits Help
When we help our children establish good habits, then their will is free to consider bigger choices. Decision fatigue is one of the stresses of modern life. There are just SO many choices! We can help our children move through the day more smoothly by establishing habits of cleanliness, orderliness, and hygiene. If the house is tidy, the beds are made, and the toys are put away, it’s much easier to tackle our math, learn to read, or dig deep with Dante.
The best way to start is establishing simple daily routines. Things like making the bed when we get up in the morning, doing morning chores, and having morning devotions set the tone for the day. When our child resists-- “I don’t want to wash my hands”-- calmly redirect: “We will wash our hands because it keeps us healthy.”
Habits take time to form. Pick one habit to work on at a time. If we find we are barking orders at our kids all day, it’s a sign that we could use a better routine.Pray and Ask for Help
It is God who equips us to do His good and perfect will. We will make mistakes, fumble, and sin, but when we ask Him for help, He will answer. Take time at bedtime, or at meals to pray and ask God for help to do what is right, even when we don’t want to. Here’s a classic prayer poem that fits our petition for God’s help in training the will that is aligns with His:
A Child’s Prayer
By Matilda B. Edwards
God, make my life a little light,
Within the world to glow;
A little flame that burneth bright,
Wherever I may go.
God, make my life a little flower,
That giveth joy to all,
Content to bloom in native bower,
Although its place be small.
God, make my life a little song,
That comforteth the sad;
That helpeth others to be strong,
And makes the singer glad.
God, make my life a little staff,
Whereon the weak may rest,
That so what health and strength I have
May serve my neighbors best.
God, make my life a little hymn
Of tenderness and praise;
Of faith, that never waxeth dim,
In all His wondrous ways.
Offer Grace
God graciously deals with us in our sin and struggle as we seek to follow Him and align our wills with His. Though we seek His goodness and aim for perfection, it is not for us to demand these of our children. We are the supporting characters in their life story. What role should we play? Demanding, nagging mother? Or a mother who is supportive, encouraging, coaching along the way? We want to partner with our children.
Training a child’s will to help him rule himself can not be accomplished by any formula or a one and done solution. We have many tools available to us to help our children learn to distinguish between “I will” and “I want.” We know that they will fight against us, but that isn’t cause for despair. We can help our children develop the power to choose what is right over what they want so that they can have command of themselves. This is a part of helping them develop a strong character and pursue virtue. As we develop our own will, they grow stronger because they will imitate us. We can have confidence that they can learn to control their thoughts and get plenty of practice making good choices. We offer them stories that inspire their heroic instinct and develop habits of good living that give them a clear path to walk on. All of this is accomplished in God’s grace and through consistent prayer. We want to align our will with God’s as the ultimate aim of training the will which is true freedom.
We want them to be free.
Reflection Questions:
1. How do I personally model “I will” over “I want” in daily life—and do I talk about that process out loud so my children can learn from it?
Consider your daily routine: making your bed, washing dishes, washing hands before a meal, caring for your baby, caring for a grandparent, these common tasks require sacrifice and are helpful to talk about the love we can show to others and dignity we show to ourselves.
2. In what ways am I currently helping my child distinguish between “I want” and “I will”? Where might I be reinforcing desire instead of will?
Reflect on routines like bedtime, chores, schoolwork, or sibling conflict where this training might naturally occur—or be undermined. Where is the will moving toward what is right? Or what is folly?
3. How do I respond when my child’s desires lead them toward tantrums, whining, or passive resistance? Am I more focused on controlling their behavior or guiding their will?
Think about whether your responses reflect a long-term goal of self-mastery or a short-term need for compliance. W
4. What opportunities do I regularly offer for my child to exercise and strengthen their will?
This might include choices within boundaries, time for independent work, or the chance to wrestle through hard things with encouragement rather than rescue. i.e. sitting quietly for five minutes on the couch reading a book while mommy reads her book in her chair. (This can be increased over time to help them learn to stay quiet when you need a quiet time.)
5. How am I helping my child connect their will to something greater—like service to others or obedience to God—instead of just obedience to me?
Explore how stories, Scripture, and conversation are shaping their understanding of true freedom and self-rule.
**If you want to be effective with your Nature Study work, join the Screen Free Kids Get Outside Challenge. Head over to HoweverImperfectly.com/ScreenFreeChallenge to download your free packet!**
20 Principles of a Liberating Education:
#2 The Good and Evil Nature of Children
#3 Parents are in Charge and Children Must Obey
#4 Limits to Our Authority as Parents and Educators
#5 Education is an Atmosphere, a Discipline, a Life| a primer
#9 Feeding the Hungry Mind
#10 From Bucket Heads to Bright Minds| The True Role of Teacher & Learner
#11 Drop the Timeline Song| Education is Cultivating Wisdom Through Nourishing Ideas
#13 The Curriculum i.e. The Living Library
#16a and 17 The Way of the Will (You Are Here)
Bibliography for further reading:
Know and Tell by Karen Glass
Start Here, a Journey through Mason’s 20 Principles by Brandy Vencel
Philosophy of Education by Charlotte Mason
Home Education by Charlotte Mason
Laying Down the Rails by Simply Charlotte Mason (This book explains the habits and gives excerpts of Mason’s own words on each habit to be cultivated)
Laying Down the Rails for Children by Simply Charlotte Mason (This book has lessons on habit training to do with your family)
The Whole Brained Child by Daniel J. Siegel M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson
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