Principle #4: These principles (ie., authority and docility) are limited by the respect due to the personality of children which may not be encroached upon whether by the direct use of fear or love, suggestion or influence, or by undue play upon any one natural desire.
Antithesis: You may exert every means necessary to control and manipulate the child to do your will.
Paraphrase: Since children have dignity as image bearers of God, our authority over them has restrictions therefore, we may not do whatever we wish with our children. We are to teach them to do what is right.
Theological truths:
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” (Matthew 19:14)
Fathers do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4)
This fourth principle builds upon the third which reminds us that we have authority over our children, and they have a duty to be teachable. Since the principles build on one another, let’s review where we are:
We acknowledge the dignity of our children, we recognize that while they are born bearing the image of God,
They are also born into a world where good and evil are in conflict and lure us toward selfishness and destruction, but God doesn’t leave them to themselves.
Principle three reminds us that God places parents in the lives of children to teach them about Himself and to share the gospel and show them how to live a good life. Parents have a deputed authority from God Himself.
Which brings us to our current principle that points out that our authority has restrictions, and we may not do whatever we wish with our children. We must submit to the Divine laws that help to guide us as parents not to hinder, despise or provoke our children. This principle points out our boundaries.
Mason explains it this way: “...parents… are invested with an official dignity; it is in virtue of their office, not of personal character, that they are and must remain superior to their children, until these become of an age to be parents in their turn. And parents are invested with this dignity, that they may be in a position to instruct their children in the art of living. Now, office in itself adds dignity, irrespective of personal character; so much so, that the judge, the bishop, who does not sustain his post with becoming dignity has nothing to show for himself. So, of the parent; if he doesn't require the respectful behavior of his children, he might as well have disgraced himself before their eyes; for in the one case as in the other, he loses that power to instruct them in the art and science of living, which is his very “reason for being” in the Divine economy.” Vol 5 p. 199 (edited from original for clarity)
And here we arrive at the problem we all face: our children need correction and guidance because they don’t always want to do their chores, attend to lessons, and obey. As I read Mason’s account of many of these Victorian children, I wonder why those children look more like Pollyanna always looking on the bright side when the children in my home seem to channel the mischief of Pinocchio, always getting into trouble and needing my correction, guidance and admonishment to get back on the right path.
I need to pause here and point out that today we won’t discuss what we can do but what we may not do when it comes to educating our children. In the remaining principles we get to see how much freedom we really have to educate through the natural tools available. But for now, we will look at our limits so that when we must correct our children and teach them to do what is right and this is done with a level of respect due to our children as children of God and Bearers of the Divine Image. SO, if by the end of this episode you are wondering “but what can I do?!” We will get to that in this next episode. For now, we need to understand our boundaries which starts with respecting their dignity as persons. The limits of our authority require that we may not use fear or love, suggestion or influence nor manipulation of natural desires to get children to obey, attend, or do what is right etc. Let’s look more closely at what this means and how we can apply this principle in our homes.
Respect due to the children
Within the boundaries of authority, Mason reminds us that we need to correct our children with a spirit of respect for their personhood. She explains:
“In proportion as we keep ourselves fully alive to our tendency in this matter of authority may we trust ourselves to administer the law to creatures so tender in body and soul as are the little children. We shall remember that a word may wound, that a look may strike as a blow. It may indeed be necessary to wound in order to heal, but we shall examine ourselves well before we use the knife. There will be no hasty dealing out of reproof and punishment, reward and praise, according to the manner of mood we are in. We shall not only be aware that our own authority is deputed, and to be used with the meekness of wisdom… We all know good Christian persons of an arbitrary turn who venture to wield that rod of iron which is safe in the hands of One alone. Let them be good Christian persons of culture and self-knowledge; not the morbid self-knowledge that comes of introspection, but that wider, humbler cognisance of self that comes of a study of the guiding principles and springs of action common to us all as human beings, and which brings with it the certainty that––"I am just such an one as the rest, and might even be as the worst, were it not for the grace of God and careful walking."”
So, the key to understanding the limits of our authority comes from humble reliance on God and walking in the ways of good living laid out in scriptures. Recognizing our own weaknesses and need for God’s help allows us to maintain a posture of sympathy for our children’s weaknesses which is the key to truly guiding and directing our children toward a good life. Without this sympathy, we are likely to fall into the extremes that don’t respect the child as a person as laid out in Principle 4.
Mason walks us through three ways that we may encroach upon the “personality of the child.” What she means by “personality” is not your child’s Myers Brigs letters or Enneagram number, instead she wants us to restrain ourselves from encroaching on our children’s ability to make decisions for themselves and think freely about doing what is right. She says that we may not use “fear or love, suggestion or influence, or by undue play upon any one natural desire.” Then she points out that our actions come from the ideas that we hold. As the philosophers say, “Right thinking leads to right acting.” So, if we are to act the right way in correcting our children, we need to think the right way about them and our work, which is why she spends time in this principle looking at the limits of our authority.
The practical takeaway here is the heart of the mother-teacher toward each child. Do we believe the child can do what is right? Do we respect him enough to withhold a game/practice/performance/privilege because he didn’t do his duty with his chores or schoolwork? Are we strong enough to hold our children to a standard that corrects laziness and praises hard work? I know it’s hard. This principle is the most challenging for parents because in it we see our own shortcomings. But we live in a world where good and evil are relative. As defenders of the Truth, we must work to remember that goodness is worth fighting for and evil is lurking around every corner. We fortify our children for the world they will inherit by respecting them enough to teach them to do what is right.
Use of Fear
Using fear involves being harsh, aggressive, or imposing strict authority. Scripture warns us, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Matthew 19:14). This reminds us of our limits; we are not permitted to “maim or crush or subvert any part of a person.” Cruelty is never fitting for a follower of Christ.
What differentiates cruel discipline from loving correction? Is it simply that a child might be brought to tears? While “it may indeed be necessary to wound in order to heal,” we must carefully examine our motives before applying discipline. Hasty reproof, influenced by our mood, is unwise. Our children need our sympathy and guidance, which serve as the pruning knife for healing.
Fear does not foster loving correction that encourages right choices; rather, it compels blind submission. It strips children of their dignity, preventing them from exercising their will to do what is right, and may lead them to willfully choose wrong instead.
Use of Love
The use of love is just as damaging as the use of fear. We can use it to manipulate a child to behave properly. The aunt who calls, “don’t make Auntie sad, you will make me happy when you help me clean up your room” Is using the child’s love for her aunt to manipulate the child to do what is right. Instead, Auntie can support her niece by saying, “It’s time to clean up. Put all the blocks in this bin.” This supports the child by giving a specific instruction but also takes the personality out of it. We clean up because it is right, and we want to reorder the room because living in chaos is wrong.
In our day of gentle parenting and child-led everything, we forget the gift of discipline that is both kind and firm. This removes the extremes and pulls everyone into the rightly ordered relationship. Mason puts it this way:
“...many parents give up the government of their children at a very early age––so soon, that is, as the school steps in to take possession: lax discipline, imperfect confidence, free and easy manners, the habit of doing that which is right in their own eyes, are permitted to grow up.
That school boys and girls should be thus thrown upon their own government is a blow to the interests of society, and a great loss to themselves––the loss of that careful moral training which it is the bounden duty of their parents to afford, throughout school life, at any rate, and through the two or three years that follow it. The problem is, how to maintain due parental dignity… Now, here is the secret of home government––put the child into the attitude of a receiver, the parent into that of an imparter, not merely of physical care and comfort, but of a careful and regular training for the responsibilities of life, and the rest comes easy.” vol 5 p 198
And here we see that we have hope. Our children must be taught to do what is right and we are the means to help them learn how to do it.
Suggestion or Influence
Suggestion and influence are similar in that they both have to do with the connection of the child to the person in authority. The child wants to please and the teacher or parent is happy to be pleased. This is a natural part of the relationship, but we must understand that this natural connection is a gift. We may not take advantage of our authority by making suggestions that are harmful or will manipulate the child to do what we want instead of what is right. Likewise, we may not use our influence over the child to lead him to influence his decisions or actions.
This can happen with teenagers who are pursuing excellence in a sport. John is an aspiring soccer player who wants to develop his dribbling or shooting skills. His coach is ready to help and offers instruction for improving technique and drilling at home-- which he does faithfully. Later his coach needs an extra player for another team and asks John to fill in-- since he’s really coming along with his skills and developing as a player. Your teen already has plans that weekend and it would really harm his grades, his relationships with his family and his health if he picked up another soccer game at this time. He just doesn’t have the margin right now. There is no trouble in the coach asking him to play in the other game, but if coach threatens playing time on the primary team, tries to coax him by saying that college recruiters will be at the game and he may miss his big break etc whether this is true or not, would be using influence and suggestion to try to bend John’s will to do the coach’s will instead of doing what is right. In this case, what is right is for John to decline because prudence demands it. Often parents must be the ones to guard teens from being used by well-meaning adults. We always want to be leading the child to think and act with his own mind fully engaged and be prepared to offer support and guidance when we see they need it.
At home, influence and suggestion can be used as we coach our children to do their chores properly. A child who has wandered away from his chores can be asked, “What are you supposed to be doing right now.” Suggestion would tell him he’s a slacker and to get back to work. Influence would tell him what he ought to be doing. Both are motivating him through the power of our will. But we want to be leading our children toward thinking for themselves so that they can freely choose to do what is right.
Don’t confuse toddlers with teenagers - I want to point out that this principle will look much different when parenting a three-year-old than it will a 13-year-old. The three-year-old is more connected to mom’s direct influence and coaching. While both must obey; the commands and directions for a three-year-old are more black and white and depend more upon the reasoning and direction of mom. With the 13-year-old, we are able to hand over more governance, decision making and generally expect more.
Don’t be misled by this principle and start expecting your three-year-old to do what is right with the same level of competence and independence you would a thirteen-year-old. The three-year-old learns to do what is right because mom is there to point the way with tighter guardrails. The 13-year-old may still need this guidance here and there, but certainly not as much as the three-year-old. The teenager will need to be able to take the reins of his life fully once he steps into adulthood. The goal with this principle is that we want to equip our children to choose to do what is right from their own free will. We don’t want them to be so dependent on us that they have to stop at every decision and ask us what they ought to be doing. That’s exhausting for everyone.
Manipulation of Natural Desire
“Our school ethic rests upon, our school discipline is supported by undue play upon certain natural desires. It is worthwhile to reflect that the mind also has its appetites, better known as desires. It is as necessary that Mind should be fed, should grow and should produce, as that these things should happen to Body, and just as Body would not take the trouble to feed itself if it never became hungry, so Mind also would not take in that which it needs if it were not that certain Desires require to be satisfied. Therefore, schoolmasters do not amiss in basing their practice upon the Desires whose very function appears to be to bring nourishment to Mind. Where we teachers err is in stimulating the wrong Desires to accomplish our end.”
Mason lays out five natural desires that are not good or bad in themselves but can be used by the mother-teacher in a way that does not honor the personhood of the child when used as a means to motivate them to right action. Being aware of these desires born in the hearts of our children can help us find balance as we think through how we will help them learn to do what is right.
Desire for approval
The desire for the approval of mom is natural for the child. We celebrate those first steps and encourage a child to read with tender smiles. These are good and natural ways to show approval. But because the desire for approval is an external motivator, it can be depended upon so that the child focuses on the approval itself instead of learning to do what is right. We see this in action when a child will accept a dangerous dare to receive the approval of friends. But with a parent, approval can be used to such a degree that a child doesn’t think for himself but looks to the approval he will receive instead of the virtue to be acquired.
This happened with a teenager I knew who was constantly asking her mother what to do, and how to respond in a given situation. She was too old to be so dependent on approval from her mother that she wasn’t thinking for herself. When this desire is leaned on too heavily, it puts a burden on mom to approve and affirm and makes the child dependent on the accolades that come from doing the right thing. We want to affirm our children and celebrate with them; we don’t want them to be so dependent on our approval that they can’t think for themselves and choose to do what is right.
Desire to excel
Competition with others can be a fun motivator. Once again, these are desires that are natural to children, but we need to be aware that the motivation comes from outside which can rob the child of the enjoyment of the thing itself (be it a sport, a skill, an idea etc). In a school setting we see this with class rankings or rewards charts where children are competing with one another for a prize. In a homeschool, this is most often seen with the use of computers and gaming programs that teach children a skill, we need to be aware of the effects on the character of the child. It’s not that games and fun activities are always bad, but how we use them can put the focus on the wrong thing if we aren’t careful. Again, we are concerned with strengthening their will so that they will choose to do what is right.
Desire for power (ambition)
“Power is good in proportion as it gives opportunities for serving; but it is mischievous in boy or man when the pleasure of ruling, managing, becomes a definite spring of action.” The abuse of power is easily found in a nation, a state, a community, but where it is most intimately felt is within the context of family life. The power we have with our minds and bodies ought to be put into service for others, not to Lord it over those who are weaker. This is where a thoughtful parent can be aware of sibling dynamics and offer help and training towards service and away from controlling others.
Desire for friends
We can turn to scripture to understand how the desire for friendship can motivate either toward good or evil ends. We know that “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” And “Bad company ruins good morals.” We need to be aware of the friends our children keep and understand their influence over the way our children grow and develop. Friends who share a love of knowledge and are interested in God and his world will continue to sharpen and delight us for many years. But bad company is to be avoided plain and simple.
We now come to the last desire:
Desire for knowledge
The mind is fed on ideas in order to grow. A child is born with a natural curiosity which compels him to want to know, but he can be content with small amusements, with feeding on television shows, YouTube videos, and graphic novels. These things don’t offer him true knowledge, but the illusions of it. They are fragments of ideas that satisfy for a moment but don’t offer the mind the meat that it needs to grow and develop into its fullest stature.
“"What is knowledge?" the reader asks. We can give only a negative answer. Knowledge is not instruction, information, scholarship, a well-stored memory. It is passed, like the light of a torch, from mind to mind, and the flame can be kindled at original minds only. Thought, we know, breeds thought; it is as vital thought touches our minds that our ideas are vitalized, and out of our ideas comes our conduct of life. The case for reform hardly needs demonstration, but now we begin to see the way of reform. The direct and immediate impact of great minds upon his own mind is necessary to the education of a child.” Vol 6, p. 303
The fourth principle gives us boundaries to our authority, which gives us more freedom as we work with our children. We have these boundaries for educating them because we don’t want our children to be easily manipulated by others-- as a puppet-- we want them to be free. We need to examine our hearts to see that we are not using fear or love to manipulate but are acting in a way that is both kind and firm, the two working together in harmony. We also may not use our relationship to pull the heartstrings of our children, this too does not allow them to think and act freely and we want them to be free. Finally, we must watch that any one natural desire is not used to pull a child along in the wrong direction.
We ultimately may not trick children into obedience. We are to coach them and come alongside them. When we compel children to obey “because I said so” we are making the authority end with us. But we too are under authority.
We can rest on the scripture that tells us, “Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right.”
Reflection questions:
What limits do parents and teachers have in regard to their authority over children?
How does this change how you parent your children?
Instead of controlling our children, we are teaching them to have self-control so that they can do what is right. How does this affect how your support them during chore time? With schoolwork? When asking for basic obedience?
Scripture tells us to examine our hearts, when we are parenting, we need to check our motivation before correcting our children. Take a minute to consider one child and one weakness he/she needs your correction. Write down your motivation. Take time to pray and ask the Lord to help guide you through correcting this child.
The desires Mason lays out are not bad in themselves, but how we use them can make a child dependent on that form of motivation. Can you think of a way to help your child think for themselves instead of needing a prod you may be currently using?
If you want to be effective with your Nature Study work, check out my Nature Study Hacking Guides at www.naturestudyhacking.com. Learn how to get outside and use those lovely nature journals.
20 Principles of a Liberating Education:
#2 The Good and Evil Nature of Children
Share this post